I am a 26 year old female with trichotillomania. In other words, I compulsively pull out my hair, and I cannot stop without intense effort. I have been pulling my hair out since age 11.
The hardest thing for me is the feeling of utter failure that accompanies pulling. I want nothing more than to not do it. In just about every other aspect of my life, I have control, and I can do or not do things whenever I want. This is different; it completely overtakes me. All rationality goes out the window and I feel like I just need to pull. And pull. And pull. It doesn't hurt... in fact, it feel great when it actually happens, when I feel the hair let go of my scalp. The tiny act releases my tension and anxiety, which seems totally contradictory, but that's how it is. So I do it again and again... until I finally stop... and my feelings of pleasure are replaced by shame and self-loathing.
I am not a "lost case," nor a "sad soul," nor someone who needs to be pitied. In fact, I lead a very happy and fulfilling life, which is quite obvious to those around me, I think. In terms of my disorder, I've come a loooong way in fifteen years, and deep down I know I'm okay just the way I am. Many other thousands or even millions of others who struggle with this disorder aren't as fortunate as I am.
I just want to be healthy and stop. I am trying so many different techniques & working so hard toward this goal, which is one reason why I created this blog. I plan to just dialogue with myself and anyone else who's interested... and hopefully educate a few people, too. Talking about trich is hard to do a lot of the time... but, What have I got to lose?
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